Baseballhead:
The Florida Vortex

Michael Cox

Howdy neighbor! Again with the Baseballhead, where we're not sure just why we're a Nation in Crisis (TM) -- last I heard there was still a President in the White House, performing business as usual. Maybe the press is thinking that the disenfranchised elderly in Palm Beach might take up canes and handbags against Gov. Bush (either one)?

Funny thing is, with the attention of the entire universe on Florida, Major League Baseball's general managers have performed the amazing feat of making Amelia Island a black hole of dull. No significant trades, no significant signings; just buffets and discussions that will be forgotten by shuffleboard tournament time.

GMs now regret that they voted to allow the system that awarded the A's the AL West instead of making them play for it. Good luck getting that one back from the players' union now, unless it comes packaged with cash. MLB still says it's going to make absolutely, positively sure that umps will call the real rulebook strike zone next year -- honest, I thought the wire service was running "best of '99" stories when I saw that one come across.

And with this carnival of catatonia taking place in the Sunshine State, MLB's incredible marketing machine managed to take its only remotely exciting current event -- the All-Star Series between MLB and Japan -- and treat it as if it was a secret they would rather not leak. But there was good reason -- Bud Selig was too busy busting guys for selling t-shirts with the words "Subway Series" on them. Gotta have priorities to keep the game noble, you know!

By the way, the Major League squad again took the All-Star Series, winning five, losing two and tying one. Barry Bonds won the MVP award in that series, as he should for his season on this side of the Pacific. I wonder what it's like to be the Major League team, returning from eight games in front of crowds of 40,000 to find that not only do few people over here care, but that MLB itself swept the whole series under the rug?

Here's the kind of fervor for baseball they have in Japan, courtesy of Kazuhiro Sasaki:

"A year ago when it became clear that I would go to the majors, I knew there would be an All-Star Series this fall. I knew that to be a part of it, I would have to get to work and really pitch well all season so that I would be invited."

Sucking up for the home country's journalists, or proud as hell? I think Kazu managed to explain in that quote (not available from any American news service, by the way) not only the difference between MLB and Japanese baseball, but the difference between "homegrown" and foreign players. U.S. players are athletes who have selected baseball because they excelled in it better than the other high school sports, while players from Japan and Venezuela and Puerto Rico ate, slept and dreamed baseball from the time they were tykes.

But that's a whole 'nother column.

Getting back to Florida, there looks to be no end to this boredom until Alex Rodriguez signs with either the Mets, Dodgers, Braves or Mariners. Sorry, but A-Rod absolutely did say he wouldn't play either for the Yankees or at second base, despite agent Scott Boras' politician-like denial. And the additional tidbit that Boras threw in -- "I spent five days with him on the subject" -- makes it sound like A-Rod's statements might not exactly be coming from the heart...

(Scene: a locked hotel room in Florida. Alex Rodriguez is shackled to a chair as Scott Boras eats room service sushi and goes over the possible media questions.)

BORAS: Okay -- the media asks, "would you play for the Yankees?" What do you say?

RODRIGUEZ: I'd rather have the flesh stripped from my skull with salad tongs.

(Boras administers a mild electrical shock with a cattle prod)

RODRIGUEZ: Ow!

BORAS: Again -- what do you say?

RODRIGUEZ: Only after George Steinbrenner is swallowed by the Earth, returning to the Hell that spawned him.

(Boras administers a larger shock)

RODRIGUEZ: Yee-owtch! Could you quit that?

BORAS: Hey kid -- you signed against my wishes after the M's drafted you, you signed that four-year deal against my wishes, so this time your ass is mine, buster! Now, again...

RODRIGUEZ: Er...um, yes, I would consider it an honor to play in the legendary Yankee pinstripes alongside my friend Derek Jeter.

BORAS: Eeee-xcellent. Just remember to also say something about the Yanks truly being a dynasty with you as their second baseman.

RODRIGUEZ: Can I mention it was Derek who told me about Steinbrenner?

BORAS: No.

(The door opens, and players' union head Don Fehr enters.)

FEHR: How's our boy doing, Scott?

BORAS: I think we've got our Yankee statement down. That leaves us two days to work on that problem where he keeps saying the Dodgers will be playoff contenders when housecats take up arms and overthrow the government.

FEHR: Well, keep it up! Remember, kid, you're doing this for the young players who'll come after you!

RODRIGUEZ: And my $25M per year helps kids making MLB minimum how...?

FEHR: Scott -- may I...?

BORAS: Be my guest, Don.

(Fehr administers a large shock)

RODRIGUEZ: Aiii-eeeeeeee!

FEHR: Gotta get one of these for labor negotiations.

Well, lets hope A-Rod signs soon and that his deal is the Ex-Lax that unclogs this constip-- er, I think that analogy was proceeding in a dangerous direction.

Suffice to say, when the ESPN guys have to amuse their readers with Peter Gammons going on about "GMs -- the CEOs of baseball," things are getting desperate.

about the author

You wouldn't know it from reading, but we got Michael Cox to turn in this article by administering mild electric shocks every ten minutes until he was done writing. If you'd rather we set up a dunk tank for "motivational purposes," let him know at mc@strikethree.com.