Baseballhead:
Large Owie

Michael Cox

It's time again to stop all that damn dancing and mash out another Baseballhead, where of all the people who could have conceivably demanded anti-little-Pepsi-girl clauses in their contracts, we'd have least expected Britney Spears to actually do it. Of course, that fact also serves to make KISS look that much more stupid.

Well, the caulking gun has been out for a couple of months now, but it appears the fate of the White Sox' 2001 season was finally sealed when the source of Frank Thomas' big hurt was determined this week. The man who would rather extract his own toenails than field a position injured his right arm diving for a grounder in Seattle, but tests at the time carried the verdict that it was only a flesh wound.

Well, "say no more," thought teammate and buffet magician David Wells, who proceeded to heckle his co-worker for not playing through the paper cut. Of course, team officials thought they'd spin the comments as nothing more than an ill-advised attempt to "fire Thomas up," forgetting that unlike Albert Belle, he prefers to be happy when he puts on his uni.

The aforementioned requisite contentment then took a more severe blow when Thomas' father passed away, but it was hoped that when the Hurt returned his owie would have healed. One batting practice later, it was clear that in fact the opposite was true. A second MRI revealed a torn bicep, effectively ending Thomas' season and prompting the team chef to exhaust the country's crow supply for Wells' post-game meal.

The question is really not whether the Sox can win the division without Thomas (hint: no) as well as without Jim Parque and Antonio Osuna, but whether Jerry Reinsdorf will use the lost season as an excuse for another fire sale. If that happens, expect the empty seats to return to New Comiskey as the fans set their alarm clocks for 2004.

By then Reinsdorf may have figured out a way to trick Thomas into paying rent for his clubhouse locker.

Item: Randy Johnson tied the record for most strikeouts in a game this week...except MLB says he didn't. Sure, he fanned 20 in the regulation nine innings just like Kerry Wood and Roger Clemens, but because the game didn't end until the Nigel Tufnel inning ("this one goes to 11"), the Elias Sports Bureau counts the strikeouts towards the extra-inning game record instead.

It doesn't make sense. Of course, a lot of things in baseball don't make sense, like the many unenforced rules, and Youppi, but it seems like with this method of record-keeping all MLB is trying to prove is that they're different from other sports. But they're not consistent, because if they were there would be a third, separate group of records kept for games where the home team doesn't bat in the ninth.

Records set in the first nine innings should fall into the same category. Records set in the extra innings get their own category. Exceptions could be made for no-hitters, which would be called no-hitters only if there are no hits when the game ends, whenever that may be (if you think about it, though, that wouldn't really be an exception at all). Identical accomplishments should be counted identically, regardless whether the D-Backs' bungling batters couldn't do the job in regulation.

Or just count all innings as regulation innings, wipe Wood and Clemens off the books as well, and let Tom Cheney's 21 K's stand as the single official record. And while you're at it, give Mark McGwire an asterisk, just for fun.

Item: Far from getting over his playoff-onset pitching yips, Rick Ankiel continued to do his Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn (pre-glasses) impression Thursday, walking five in three innings while chucking no less than five pitches completely out of the glove range of his catcher.

Since spring training ended, the Cards have been putting off sending Ankiel down to work out his problems in the minors, perhaps because they aren't sure a demotion is the right cure for this purely mental issue. However, there has to be a point at which the team realizes that repeatedly allowing Ankiel to humiliate himself publicly constitutes an even greater punishment.

The real fear is that this problem may never end. Mets catcher Mackey Sasser became a poster child for mental block when his inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher effectively ended his career. Whether Ankiel ends up like Sasser or recovers like Steve Sax (wild throws to first) is best determined away from the spotlight, before he beans a radio broadcaster.

Item: It seems the Tigers and Rangers have developed a rivalry. In the last game of the Kitties' sweep of Texas, both benches emptied when Rangers P Ryan Glynn and Tigers LF Bobby Higginson exchanged words at first base. This may be one of the thinnest pretenses ever for an everyone-on-the-field scrum, but one suspects the real problem is the Cops' frustration at the depths of this season's suckitude. You know you're in the depths when you've been swept by the 2001 Tigers, a team who honors owner Mike Illitch by scoring like they're the Red Wings.

Item: Note to new Twins fans: don't chuck crap. You have been warned.

Besides, you're throwing it in the wrong direction -- Carl Pohlad's owner's box is above the stands, not on the field. Remember that fact when the team resumes its regularly scheduled futility.

about the author

Ever the erudite, Michael Cox would only begin a dollar-hot-dog-day food fight if the wiener clearly made a better projectile than food substance. He's always up for an aerial assault of Fenway Franks if you challenge him at mc@strikethree.com.