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Michael Cox

Surprise! It's a very special early edition of Baseballhead, where filling in for Dave Paisley has given us the strangest urge to create large statistical charts. We will, however, resist said urge in favor of our usual half-baked conjecture.

In fact, this week's early deadline has led me to toss aside all semblance of coherent paragraph structure and continuity in favor of the sportswriter's crutch: the bulleted list. It certainly helps that there is no end of hap'nins in the world of baseball:

• John Rocker's now in Cleveland, and by now everyone in the Western world has mentioned the "irony" that he (if you choose to believe that he's really a "racist") was traded from one team with an ethnic nickname to the only other one, but how about the "irony" that the Braves traded a damn good pitcher for very little? Maybe the folks in Atlanta should take note of the way that the Tribe assimilates fan un-favorites and continues to win, like an ongoing refutation of the "clubhouse cancer" theory.
   
• Balloting for the All-Star Game took a turn for the wacky this week, as Cal "Iron Pony" Ripken was passed in the voting -- not by the worthy Troy Glaus, but by flailing Mariner third baseman David Bell. Where are the ballot-stuffers from Cleveland when you need them?
   
• Speaking of M's, up to seven of the nine AL starters could be from Seattle this season, the highest number since Cincinnatians (Cincinnatiers? Cincinnatoroons? Isn't that city's name already a plural?) got together and elected 8 Reds in 1957. Now, some sub-bullets on why this is a baaaad thing:
   
  • Lest ye forget, the commissioner took away the right to vote after the 1957 debacle (replacing Gus Bell -- David's granddad -- George Crowe and Wally Post with Stan Musial, Willie Mays, and Hank Aaron in '57, and having coaches and players vote in '58), and the current one is crazy enough to do it again. Maybe you should re-read my previous article for the ramifications.
     
  • There's now a likelihood that those overzealous Seattle fans will cost Kazuhiro Sasaki and Aaron Sele their deserved spots on the AL All-Star roster, so that other teams can be represented as well.
     
  • We'll have to continue hearing from the usually level-headed Rob Neyer that it's a sham, and that it must be those damn Japanese fans somehow punching paper ballots en masse and voting for players just because they have "(Mariners)" beside their names. So why aren't the Mets finding similar success -- or at least Tsoyushi Shinjo?
     
• Pop quiz: you're managing the AL All-Star Team, and two pitchers from your own club have told you (and the world) they'd rather not go. What do you do? Apparently, if you're Joe Torre you hope the Commissioner will bail you out of this embarrassing situation. Good luck, Joe.
   
• Barry Bonds will definitely not be showing up for the All-Star Home Run Derby. Wait -- he may. Nope. Well, perhaps. You can almost hear agent Scott Boras in the background screaming, "A-Rod pretended he had a say in his free agent negotiations, so you can damn well enter the Home Run frickin' Derby and pretend to like it, mister!"
   
• With general managers coveted like gold for so long, it's going to be a verrry interesting offseason as we watch several teams try and replace their fired or quitting GMs. That job is kind of like the job of President: it seems like the only folks who really want to do it are the very same folks who should be working as penitentiary guards instead.
   
• ESPN's Tim Kurkjian recently opined, "Why do so many people want to call them RBI instead of RBIs?:We'll listen to that argument when they start calling them POW instead POWs." Since when do we take language cues from the Army? Last I checked, Total Baseball labels their tables "RBI." Tell you what, though, we'll start calling 'em RBIs when you start showing up on TV calling them "Run Batted Ins."
   
• David Wells now wishes the ChiSox would just hurry up and trade him. Coincidentally, the latest rumor is that the Phillies are trying to deal for Wells. In Philadelphia, they make a pretty dang tasty cheesesteak, and them hoagies aren't bad, either. Hmmmm...
    
• How many times must Cards 2B Fernando Vina mock umpires for not enforcing the rules before they take notice? Several times now, he's been featured on TV primarily because he's the game's best at purposely "taking one for the team." Vina freely admits his "talent," and if the umps had any pride they'd start calling a strike instead of sending him to first, but knowing the umps, they'd only call it on Vina.
   
• For the upcoming All-Star Game, the broadcast networks asked the team if they would ask the city to ask nearby trains to not whistle as they pass Safeco Field during the Midsummer Classic. This comes as pretty hypocritical coming from the same folks who specifically asked an incredibly noisy "classic" plane to circle Fenway Park during the 1999 game. Maybe if Monster.com sponsors the trains...?
   
• On a related note, the following is a public service announcement from fans at outdoor parks everywhere: Aerial billboard companies -- you suck.
   
• Are you just as tired as I am of hearing about the "sudden" surge in homers recently? Where were these people for the past five years? We got a spring cold snap (hey, it's still here in Seattle), homers declined until it warmed up a bit, and the media proclaimed that the "new strike zone" was the culprit. Now backup shortstops are again one-handing the ball out of the park. Where's your strike zone now?
   
• Tsoyushi Shinjo -- Just try saying it three times fast...

Michael Cox is happy to live rollerblading distance from Safeco Field, and wants you to know that All-Star Week rental of his driveway is currently up for bid on Ebay. Send a credit card number to mc@strikethree.com for priority tent space on his lawn.

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