Baseballhead:
Halb Zwei

Michael Cox

Arrr, matey! A mighty Baseballhead's a-brewin', and before we begin I'd like to tell the good folks at X-10 that I was really, honestly preparing to buy some of their merchandise before they decided to take over my browser.

And speaking of takeovers (the segue -- always a classy literary move), I hope the likes of Rob Neyer and other media types are happy. They whined over and over again that Commissioner Selig should "step in" and fix every oversight that could possibly mar the All-Star Game, as if anyone will remember Cliff Floyd in ten years. (Sorry, Cliff. Yes, you're good, just not that good.)

Well, Selig stepped in, all right -- stepped right into the middle of the game, like a giant X10 pop-up ad. In fact, Selig made a move unprecedented in baseball history by stopping a game for reasons unrelated to a special achievement within the game (a record-breaking homer, for example). Instead, Selig took a presentation that should have been made before or after the game and created his own halftime show.

Why? Not to honor Ripken and/or Tony Gwynn. Especially not Gwynn, who must've felt like a third wheel in a ceremony that was timed around Ripken's exit from the game (again, ceremonial, with Joe Torre trotting Ripken out to third and then sending Troy Glaus out after him).

No, the reason was that Selig felt people wouldn't be interested in the game unless there was some type of extracurricular activity taking place on the field. And that any such activity must include...Bud Selig. The man is shameless -- the centerpiece of a pregame show titled "United Nations of Baseball" (wasn't that the 1995 Dodgers?) was the unfurling of the following giant quote:

"Baseball was born in America,
Now it belongs to the world."

-- Bud Selig

Now he thinks he's Bart freakin' Giamatti.

The worst part of it all is that the TV audience peaked for the Commissioner's Award for Whatever He Feels Like Awarding (Sit Down, Barry) presentation. Expect similar breaks during this year's World Series. Selig gives Sammy Sosa a belated award for his two 60-HR seasons. Selig gives Bret Boone an award for not sucking this year. Selig gives Tim McCarver an award for creating homer-aiding wind.

But enough, because Selig's self-serving, if Dubya-like, monologue was about the only black mark on the All-Star proceedings. It was the All's Well That Ends Well All-Star Game, because all the players who were originally snubbed ended up in the game, Alex Rodriguez was not booed (although it was likely a temporary truce), and after all the Ichiro buildup, he actually did something cool (beat Randy Johnson in a footrace).

Apparently, when Johnson said "I look forward to facing him," Ichiro thought he said, "I look forward to racing him."

Later, Ripken laced a homer into the NL bullpen, and you can say what you will about getting a fat pitch (if so, don't blame Chan Ho Park, blame Mike Piazza, who likely tipped Ripken to what he was calling). That doesn't mean he was necessarily going to be able to hit it out of the park -- just ask Glaus, who was just 24 hours removed from going 0-for-the-Home-Run-Derby.

However, in the grand tradition of the Johnson-Kruk All-Star matchup, the highlight you'll see for years to come (and are probably already as sick of as I am of "Tainted Love") is Tommy Lasorda's bat-induced header. Seeing it live, it seemed to happen in slow motion as I exclaimed to myself, "how can he not see that bat heading towards him?" Apparently, Don Zimmer thought the same thing.

Zim, by the way, took a spot of batting practice during Workout Day. Any thoughts of a comeback were pretty much shattered. In fact, we were worried he might die. Also in the highlight reel was Mike Cameron's textbook single, which he managed to stretch into a double by virtue of the fact that no one in the building expected him to keep running.

That's about it for All-Star memories, except for a bit of advice: If you can't get tickets for the game itself, you'll find plenty available for the Futures Game and Celebrity Softball Challenge. Buy them. I not only saw some great young players, I got to witness Steve Garvey hitting a foul ball that nailed a guy dressed as a giant latte. This earned Garvey a home run, which was duly credited despite the fact that Meat Loaf carried him off the field before he could touch the plate.

Enough -- it's time now to turn our thoughts to the remainder of second half (note: people who constantly remind us, "the second half actually started two weeks ago" are as annoying as the ones who constantly reminded us, "the millennium really starts in 2001").

Item: This week, Mike Veeck officially apologized for the White Sox' "Disco Demolition Night," and he didn't make any pansy-ass apology to a room of cowlike reporters. No sir, Veeck apologized directly to disco itself. K.C. from K.C. and the Sunshine Band, who is apparently disco's representative consul, accepted the apology after a short conference call with Sister Sledge, The Village People, and the guy who did "Born to Be Alive."

We're still trying to verify the rumor that Veeck was driven to apologize after he found himself tapping his foot to a Daft Punk number. Veeck added that "After that, I didn't work for 10 years in baseball." Good thing Dad had a lot of money...

Item: Pedro Martinez may be out until as late as September, doctors said after revising their previously revised diagnosis. The news means the Red Sox are now looking for a front-line pitcher, and it also has freaked the hell out of all the folks who have no idea the Sox have other really good pitchers...

Item: John Rocker has been following the Indians' patented troubled-player rehab plan to the letter, so all the media has been able to get after him about is his trip to a Black Sabbath show in Atlanta. This shows more than a little desperation on the part of said media.

Presumably Rocker had tickets to the show before it was traded. The trip is only 1-1/2 hours each way, meaning Rocker would be back in plenty of time to get eight hours rest before the next evening's ballgame. Charlie Manuel even tried to spell it out, lecturing an AP newsman, "The players don't come and tell me when they're going or coming back. I played baseball for twenty years. I never told my managers where I was going or what I did."

Will the newsies listen and find a new tree to bark up for a while? Nahhhhhh. You can only write so many "Omar Vizquel is sooooo cute" pieces.

Stop Press: Rick Ankiel starts; throws no wild pitches.

Ankiel has slowly been turning his mental strike zone aversion around, albeit in about the most obscure, out-of-the-spotlight place the Cards could send him (Johnson City, to be exact). Ankiel has been putting up Randy Johnson-like strikeout numbers (54 in 28 innings), but remember this is in the rookie-level Appalachian League.

The next step, presumably, is to see if he can hold it together in AA, then spend some time in AAA, getting some innings and preparing for his eventual call-up. Has there ever been a player who essentially came up through each level of the farm system twice? I don't know, but then, I'm writing this while tired as hell and sweating like a pig. And I don't normally sweat a whole lot.

Item: On Wednesday the Michigan Court of Appeals overturned a ruling that would have given a young girl $1M for being injured by a broken bat at Tiger Stadium in 1994. The original case hinged on a parade of baseball fans who swore to God (literally!) that they had no idea that bats sometimes fly into the stands.

Apparently the case crumbled when the star witness was revealed to be Tommy Lasorda.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

about the author

Michael Cox really will be here all week. Distract him from the living hell that is Strikethree.com Towers by making witty banter at mc@strikethree.com .