Baseballhead:
Bons Mots Pour Vous

Michael Cox

Hey buddy! I got yer Baseballhead right here! Wha'? Well, same to you!

In the spirit of saying something nice or not saying anything at all, this week's Baseballhead consists of the nicest things I can say about each and every team in Major League Baseball. Even your team (hear me, o Tribe fans who send me nasty e-mail)!

Okay, maybe these aren't the out-and-out kindest things I could write, but congratulating Jeromy Burnitz for being the only Brewer to get on base at an over-.350 clip would be a tad boring, would it not? And of course, next week we go back to the usual complainin' and gripin'. 'Scuse me while I apply my Tom Skerritt Brand Fake Smile Tooth Whitener...

NL East

Braves: Hey, it looks like you were right treating Rocker like a leper after all. They start being nice to him in Cleveland, and he starts losing games.

Phillies: How 'bout that Jose Mesa, huh? Better lock him up to a long-term deal...

Marlins: You'd be contenders, if only you could find a way to play a few more series against the Yankees.

Mets: Feeling a little blue? Just repeat after me: "We're the 2000 National League Champions." Hmmm...it always seems to work for the Yankees...

Expos: At least you can always get a ticket. I'm serious. Enjoy that while you can, because one of two things will happen: either your team will move, or they will get successful and you won't be able to get a ticket anymore.

NL Central

Cubs: Those new bleachers will help the wind blow out year round! Yeah, that's the ticket!

Astros: Watch out for that flagpole. Damn.

Cardinals: Mark McGwire may be floundering, but take consolation in the fact that even if he can no longer stomach his own level of play, the Cards will pull out all the stops to have him back next year for a Cal Ripken Jr. Memorial "I Suck" Farewell Tour.

Pirates: Arrrr! Arrrrr, matey! Arrrr! I'm sorry -- even after all these years, every time I talk about the Pirates I feel like saying, "Arrrr!"

Reds: Ken Griffey Jr. has a 1.225 OPS since July 15. This means that your fan experience has officially ceased to replicate that of the 1992 Dodgers, and now more closely mimics that of the 1992 Mariners. One step at a time...

Brewers: This just in: When Miller Park was completed, the distance between home plate and first base was miscalculated, resulting in the 95-foot distance you see today. You don't think any team could be that bad at getting on base, do you?

NL West

Diamondbacks: This club is becoming one of my favorite teams for a reason besides harboring El Unidad Grande: Like other faves the Giants, the D- Backs take flotsam and jetsom and coax improbable performances from them. However, unlike the Giants, who have historically done it with pitchers, Arizona does it with over-the-hill (or too-winded-to-climb- the-hill) hitters. This year it's Mark Grace. Good thing too -- looks like Steve Finley has finally returned to his regularly-scheduled crapitude.

Dodgers: Not only have they been winning, but so far this season the Dodgers have made zero attacks on random opposing fans. I also understand that Kevin Malone is doing quite well in his new job as strip club DJ.

Rockies: Colorado's evil plan for the future: clone Mike Hampton eight times. The entire lineup can pitch and hit, and because they're all technically the same person no additional paychecks are required. One potential drawback: Buddy Bell quits over the team's refusal to give in to his demands that the club get Tom Goodwin back.

Giants: New t-shirts on sale at Pac Bell Park: "My team needed pitching and all I got was Andres Galarraga."

San Diego: Give me a bit more time with this one.

AL East

Yankees: They're 26-Time World Champions! They're the reigning World Champs! The road to the Series goes through the Bronx! No one else has the ghosts of Yankee Stadium and tradition of the pinstripes! Following in the triumphant steps of Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, Reggie Jackson and Don Matting- er, forget that last one...um...They know how to win when it really counts! You gotta beat the man to be the man! Whooooooo!

Red Sox: I look at all the Bostons have accomplished, without the use of the second-best shortstop in baseball, without their always-angry power-hitting outfielder, without the best pitcher in baseball -- heck, without half their freakin' pitching staff right now -- and my mind boggles. (Okay, my mind sometimes boggles without any stimulus whatsoever. That's beside the point.) As they prepare to return in the coming month, be ever-vigilant outside the Fenway player entrance for Jeff Gillooly wearing a Yankees cap.

Blue Jays: Your GM is currently in the process of convincing the Mariners that Jose Cruz Jr. is worth at least two good pitchers (one young and cheap, and don't even think about throwing in Al Martin). If this deal goes through, there should be a parade.

Orioles: Okay, so Cal Ripken's retiring. That doesn't have to mean that the Birds have to give up the magic of "The Streak." Angelos just tells Hargrove to stop giving Jerry Hairston days off for the next ten years, then tells Hairston to stop making risky plays, and Bob's yer uncle!

Devil Rays: Count your blessings: 1) All the paychecks have cleared (so far). 2) Fred McGriff still wants to stay (just don't ask him why he wants to stay). 3) Thanks to your team's very existence, there's no longer any city to move your team to.

AL Central

Indians: What a fantastic offensive team! With a potential MVP in the outfield, Jim Thome socking like they have not previously been socked, and even li'l O contributing, well, a li'l O, it takes your attention right away from the pitching problems, doesn't it? (Note: this comment originally appeared in 1998)

Twins: We understand that Carl Pohlad is currently negotiating with Major League Baseball to allow his team to play all its remaining games, plus potential playoffs, at home. This is their best chance at a third World Championship. Get out the Triple Hankies!

White Sox: I think someone owes Frank Thomas a big ol' apology.

Royals: Great news: it is my understanding that the Royals ownership is considering the possibility that there could potentially be a more efficacious managerial option than Tony Muser. If you haven't yet found religion, it might be time to try.

Tigers: The other night, Juan Encarnacion hit a mammoth homer that experts say might not only be the first ball ever hit to reach the Yankee Stadium left-field bleachers on the fly, but might also have cleared the outfield wall if it had been hit at Comerica Park.

AL West

Mariners: Cherish each and every win, Mariner fans, for you will likely never see a season like this again. Hell, the Yankees will likely never see a season like this again.

Athletics: Bouncing right back into the Wild Card race, the A's no longer want to toss Giambi and Damon to the wind...okay, maybe Damon, if the price is right. The Best Team in Baseball (tm) is back in business. So with the prospect of another postseason in mind, we in the rest of America respectfully request that when appearing on national TV, you turn down those damn drums.

Angels: In this grand spirit of niceness, I say that fans around the American League should purchase Rally Monkey dolls. Not those expensive "Genuine MLB Merchandise" ones -- knockoffs will do. Then wave your Rally Monkeys at the Angels when they come to town! Their season may be doomed, but you can still make 'em feel at home, right? ...What? Angels players hate the Rally Monkey? Well, that works too...

Texas: Hey! Stand tall, Ranger fans! Your team has the best shortstop in baseball! Bet that might even get you a cup of coffee at the Pitt Grill in Arlington, as long as it's accompanied by a crispy dollar, plus tip.

about the author

Immediately upon completing this article, Michael Cox left the office and kicked a Boy Scout. If it was your son, ask for a compensatory Handi-Wipe at mc@strikethree.com.