Giambi Blah

Matt Bruce

There's a wonderful scene in the movie Son in Law. If you're not a Pauly Shore fan you may have trouble believing this, but just trust me here.

In the movie, Rebecca is a country girl who comes home for Thanksgiving after going away to college for the first time. Her old high-school boyfriend is this snotty guy Travis, who really doesn't know or appreciate just how much the experience has changed her. In front of an entire country club's worth of Thanksgiving diners, he stands up to announce that "after years of courtship," he's finally ready to propose to her.

Whenever I read one more day's worth of the Yankees' over-the-top pursuit of Jason Giambi, I think of this movie and that scene. One day ESPN's "insiders" report that New York front-office types think they have their man. The next day George Steinbrenner and Joe Torre both say he's their type of player. Roger Clemens calls him up... not that Giambi should be confused with anybody's daughter, but would you want the Rocket calling your daughter?

The point, I suppose, is that the Yankees are doing this because they can. Rather than just signing the guy, they've gone and made this into a full-press courtship. A willing media laps this up, apparently because it makes for such a great story. Putting the whole thing in the headlines day after day is brilliant as marketing goes. I wish the commissioner's office knew how to sell the game itself as well as New York has sold its franchise and its would-be catch.

Then again, for every casual onlooker who gets caught up in the saga, another hardcore fan loses his lunch. It's gratuitous; it's repulsive. It's utterly classless, reflecting everything that's wrong with the Yankees. For that matter, think of that guy in high school who went around broadcasting his crushes to the world.

The best part: Media reports indicate that New York wants a response within 48 hours, meaning that by the time you read this piece it may have fully played itself out. Headline writers, if not baseball people themselves, have been brazen enough to put the words "take it or leave it" into print. Call me a dreamer, but I think I know where this might actually be headed.

That's right: Rebecca tells the stunned country-clubbers that she's already engaged to Pauly, who plays along with it. Remember that deal Oakland and Giambi had already agreed on, the one where no money was in dispute and all they had to do is work out that no-trade clause? Well, I didn't tell you this, but rumor has it they ironed out the deal after all.

So you see, no offense to this wonderful franchise in a wonderful city with a wonderful post-season history, but Jason can't be joining you guys because he... he already has a prior commitment. If only.

For what it's worth, Jason Giambi is a far greater catch than this Rebecca girl ever was. Have trouble naming anything else Carla Gugino's been in? She had a part on Spin City and a part on Chicago Hope, plus a handful of movies that I never bothered to see. (Spy Kids?)

Giambi has one MVP award under his belt and, no disrespect intended to Ichiro, a fair case for a second. He did lead the league both in ability to reach base and ability to hit for extra bases, the two things hitters do to create runs. For his career the 30-year-old has hit .308/.412/.545, with a fair shot at reaching his 200th homer before his 1,000th game. When a player is not only that good but also that popular, with that high a profile, it's easy to underestimate how much value he brings to a franchise.

Of all the absurd-sounding figures thrown about, it's entire possible that none captures his worth as a player. Then again, if you issue take-it-or-leave-it edicts and orchestrate that kind of feverish publicity, how in the world are you living up to his worth as a human being? The Yankees have no special right to him, at least not yet, and they certainly don't own him.

They have every right to pursue him, just as I have every right to pursue the most beautiful girl in the world short of harassing her. Some forms of pursuit are more effective than others. Some deserve to be more effective than others. Some might result in a hell of a bar fight.

There's something I don't expect to happen, but it's something that would make my week, my month, possibly my life of baseball fandom. That would be for Giambi to tell Steinbrenner exactly where to stick his public overtures and his take-it-or-leave-it contract offer. He's probably too polite, and almost certainly too flattered, to drop an F-bomb on the Yanks. But a simple, "don't assume you own me, because you know what happens when people assume," would make the whole world right again.

What then? And whatever happened to the buzz about his following in McGwire's footsteps? Is New York so insecure that all this publicity is what it took to shove those rumors aside? I'll admit to my own insecurity, my own jealousy, my own sense of dread that the Yankees are about to live up to exactly what the rest of the country thinks is wrong with baseball. They'll flat-out buy a championship piece; for lack of any constructive response Bud Selig will fart into the punch bowl and somehow spin this into explaining why not every club can survive.

Or maybe Billy Beane can get his man after all. I'd be happy to cold-call Giambi myself and tell him how much I appreciate having him play where I live. I'll tell him what the New Yorkers won't publicly admit, which is that it's his decision and ultimately all about what makes him feel comfortable. And then I'll go hop on a tractor and learn how to plow fields and slop hogs -- flying hogs at that.

If Pauly Shore was a sex symbol once, then why can't Oakland be a free-agent mecca?

Matt Bruce tried following in Pauly Shore's footsteps, but found "scoping cones" and referring to himself as "tha Weez" just a tad quaint for his liking. Suggest a career as the next Chris Kattan at mb@strikethree.com.