Baseballhead:
Hall Pass

Michael Cox

It's been a rough first week of the New Year here at Strikethree.com Towers, what with Dave Paisley developing an icky respiratory thingamajig and yours truly struck down with a pinched nerve. Still, as long as I sit just so, I think I can bash out this week's little cautionary tale:

(Scene: The reception desk at the National Baseball Hall of Fame, Cooperstown, NY, the morning of Tuesday, January 7, 2003. In front of a lifesize framed photo of Bud Selig, the receptionist sips from a giant mug of freshly brewed Hills Bros. coffee.)

RECEPTIONIST: Mmmm.

(Phone rings.)

RECEPTIONIST: National Baseball Hall of Fame. How may I help you?

STARK: Good morning, this is Jayson Stark, from ESPN.com. I'd like to find out who was elected to the Hall this year.

RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, Mr. Stark, but I can't give out that information until it's officially announced at 10 am.

STARK: C'mon. Just a hint. I mean, I know Eddie Murray's in -- forget about the 3000 hits and 500 HR plateaus, he was dependable! That's what counts!

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Stark...

STARK: And Gary Carter too, although I admit that I thought the ballot said Joe Carter when I checked off the name.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Stark!

STARK: Uh...and Ryne Sandberg, right? He has to have made it in! He had the best fielding percentage of any second baseman in the 20th century, and that was before we knew fielding percentage was crap, so it has to count!

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Stark, am I going to have to have your number blocked like I did before the induction ceremony last year?

STARK: Oh, but that time I just wanted to know the inside story on where Pete Rose would be signing autographs...for my niece.

RECEPTIONIST: Goodbye, Mr. Stark. (Hangs up)

(Phone rings)

RECEPTIONIST: National Baseball Hall of Fame. How may I help you?

SELIG: Hello, Marcia, this is Bud Selig...

RECEPTIONIST: This is Gladys. Marcia got fired last year for booing you in public while they were showing the All-Star Game in the lobby.

SELIG: Well, you'll be happy to know I've solved that problem!

RECEPTIONIST: What, the problem of running away from Jeanne Zelasko when you feel uncomfortable?

SELIG: No, er, the tied All-Star Game thingy. How about this: The league with the most Hall of Fame inductees wins a tie game.

RECEPTIONIST: But this year there's one from each league.

SELIG: (Long pause) ...Okay, okay, how's this grab ya: a tie is decided by MasterCard fan balloting, and the winning All-Star team is revealed prior to the fourth game of the World Series.

RECEPTIONIST: I'm beginning to see why Marcia booed you.

SELIG: (Long pause) ...Anyhoo, I need to speak to the curator, to make sure they've destroyed all the Seattle Pilots memorabilia like I told 'em.

RECEPTIONIST: I'll put you through.

(Phone rings)

RECEPTIONIST: National Baseball Hall of Fame. How may I help you?

STARK: Listen, just tell me whether Jack Morris got in. I'm going bonkers with anticipation here! Forget the numbers, the guy was a champion! He started three All-Star Games, for cryin' out loud!

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Stark, try and get a grip.

STARK: I'll make it worth your while! Me and Mr. Lincoln, that is, if you get my drift...

RECEPTIONIST: (Hangs up)

(Phone rings)

RECEPTIONIST: National Baseball Hall of Fame. How may I help you?

BAD FAKE GERMAN ACCENT: Yess, do you know vezer Pete Rossse vas elected ziss year?

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Rose, you know you can't be elected until the Commissioner lifts the ban.

BAD FAKE GERMAN ACCENT: Ziss iss not Pete Rossse. Zis iss, er,...John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt...

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Rose, you try this every year, and every year we know it's you. Shouldn't that tell you something?

BAD FAKE GERMAN ACCENT: I don't...I mean, he dossen't...er...goodbye. (Hangs up quickly)

(Phone rings)

RECEPTIONIST: National Baseb--

SELIG: Okay, okay, here: Winner of the All-Star Game gets home field advantage in the World Series. Ha! There you go!

RECEPTIONIST: Okay, Mr. Selig, so in one fell swoop you'd manage to devalue Major League Baseball's championship series even further than the extra playoff rounds and Wild Card already have, while failing to provide any mechanism whatsoever to actually ensure that there can't be another tie, and potentially risking the health of players in the All-Star Game in order to potentially benefit the teams represented by the game's managers?

SELIG: You got a smart mouth on ya.

RECEPTIONIST: You asked, sir.

SELIG: Well, you know what? I'm gonna do it anyway, because I'm the Commissioner! Whaddya think of them apples?

RECEPTIONIST: Don't let me stop you, sir.

SELIG: Mwaaaahahahahahahaaaaa! (Hangs up)

(Phone rings)

RECEPTIONIST: Nationa--

STARK: Alright. Dale Murphy. Just tell me Dale Murphy got in, and I'll be able to breathe without hyperventilating.

RECEPTIONIST: I hear Selig's going to give World Series home advantage to the team who wins the All-Star Game.

STARK: Wha'?...Wow! No more tied All-Star Games! Can I quote you as "a source familiar with the process"?

RECEPTIONIST: Sure, whatever. Just get writing.

STARK: Woo-hoo! (Faintly, away from the receiver) Hey, Mr. Gammons, you can die a happy man... (Hangs up.)

RECEPTIONIST: And they wonder why there's a bar next door.

about the author

Michael Cox actually loves Jayson Stark, and not just because the mustache makes him look like an adult film star. If you have the number of Jim Rome's facial grooming expert, pass it on at mc@strikethree.com.