Baseballhead:
Hype Of The Week

Michael Cox

I type this amidst random chuckles which erupt each time I think about that Pepsi Twist commercial featuring the Osbournes. Who says corporate America has no redeeming social value?

Once again, we hit The Magical Month of Spring Training with MLB's collective noses caught in another vice (ah, the gyrations we go through to maintain a family-friendly site, only to undermine it by saying "ass"). Last year it was the will-they-or-won't-they strike talk (in case you weren't keeping score, they didn't).

This year it's collusion, with a capital "C," and that rhymes with "B," and that stands for "Bull." At least, probably. Since I went lightly over this last week, a few more high-profile analyses have hit the proverbial fan, ranging from the ridiculous (a Jayson Stark piece whose evidence of collusion looked more like evidence against collusion) to the less-than-sublime (a huuuuge New York Times story that looked like somebody had actually done research, but still missed the point).

Of course, bad news sells more papers than good news (plus, there isn't really much of either right now, thanks to MLB's hype machine, which continues to be powered by the engine from a '75 AMC Gremlin). So we go with this collusion dealybob. In sports departments across the country, reporters are writing notes to themselves: "ask editor what collusion is."

In case any of those sportswriters are reading this, collusion would mean that MLB teams are making a concerted effort to hold down salaries, either via agreements between the teams themselves, or via a super-double-secret directive from Our Bud. Of course, the way that MLB's hierarchy handle super double-secret directives, if there is collusion there will also be a trail leading directly to Selig.

As I mentioned last week and the Times piece reaffirmed, the issue has as much to do with the downturn in the free agent market as my bunion has to do with my abduction by aliens. There are numerous factors to blame there, including the overall economy, the fact that more teams want to be on the free-money end of the revenue-sharing teeter-totter, and the fact that almost one-third of MLB players were free agents at one time or another this offseason. (Somewhere, Charlie O. Finley is smiling.)

And we all know my bunion is Saddam Hussein's fault.

Last week I also offered up good reason for the similar offers, so until there's new evidence, I declare this case closed.

Umps Gone Wild: There isn't a lot of joy in Umpville these days. First, union head John Hirschbeck lost his bid to have an arbitrator decide whether to allow MLB to discipline him. Then Bruce Froemming lost his head at the end of a phone message for MLB umpire liaison Cathy Davis, calling her a "stupid Jew bitch" despite the fact that someone named Davis could just as easily be of Welsh descent.

The Froemming incident stemmed from being told that he was supposed to fly to Japan for the M's-A's series with the rest of the crew, on a flight booked by MLB. Instead, he booked his own flight, causing Davis to chew him out. According to Froemming, the slur escaped his lips after he thought he had hung up his cell phone (a detail which Froemming thought might be relevant for some reason, although a team of researchers is still diligently trying to come up with that reason).

Caught dead to rights, Froemming had no choice but to accept his punishment (suspension from the Japanese series), apologize to Davis, and then try and convince us that his words were not a slur or insult, but meaningless consonants and vowels which just happened to randomly form the phrase "stupid Jew bitch."

Hirschbeck's day in court was the result of a warning letter he received last May, officially reprimanding him for instructing Mark Carlson not to warn the Reds' Gabe White after he threw a pitch over Barry Bonds' head last April 28 and also missed a high number of ball-and-strike calls himself in a subsequent game. Hirschbeck filed a grievance demanding an arbitration hearing, blaming the Questec computer system for the black mark on his permanent record.

And on his record the discipline stands, as valuable taxpayer money paid a judge's salary while decided for MLB, once again proving that when Bud Selig is feeling a little low, all he needs to do to turn that frown upside-down is face an umpire in court.

You must know by now that I'd rather see the Questec system perform all the ball-and-strike duties and some of those Sony robot guys handling other umpiring tasks. Even so, after each MLB legal victory over one or more umpires I still feel kinda like I've just watched a mean kid kick a puppy dog.

What Am I Bid For These Nice Clean Baseball Players? Last week the Powers That MLB formally began their search for a new home for the Montreal/San Juan Expos. Major-league brass entertained presentations from Washington, DC, Northern VA, and Portland, OR. Suitors expounded on their areas' unique suitability for pro baseball, the temporary ballparks which could be pressed into service immediately, and the preliminary sketches for a new mascot costume.

Then, the major-league brass asked how they were going to pay for new ballparks. The suitors responded by playing with their ties, looking at the floor for a moment, sniffling a couple of times, and replaying the Powerpoint slide with the number of Fortune 500 companies within a 30-mile radius, hoping no one would notice.

Unfortunately, all three sites are up against the triple-whammy of trying to amass public funding in a crappy economy, the loss of pro baseball teams in the past (DC twice, and Portland losing its AAA team), and claims by other MLB teams on their territory (the Orioles for DC/VA, and the Mariners for Portland).

So where do the 'Spos go?

Simple: to whomever includes the closest friend of Selig's in their ownership group. It's a proven formula for approval.

about the author

Michael Cox wonders whether the Puerto Rican fans will warm up to Youppi. Suggest the Expos replace him during those games with Joey Cora at mc@strikethree.com.