2003/04 Feature Archive

News, Opinion, and Humor

Don't Cry For Me, Derek Jeter
Whoever wins the World Series, Erik Lundegaard just hopes they shake hands and claim their winner's-share checks like professionals instead of going all Sally Field on our asses. And when he says "whoever," of course he clearly means the Yankees.

Curse Of The Curse
The World Series is here, and to FOX's dismay, this year the road to the championship is probably more interesting than the championship. Dan Troy writes more words here than Bret Boone spoke during the entire ALCS.

Back In Slack

In a column specifically designed not to mention any front-page names starting with "K" or "A," Michael Cox instead delves into why Jeff Nelson was sent to his room without his supper, and why that's not really punishment for a kid with a fridge and big-screen TV in his room.

All-Star Blame

This just in: your Commissioner-for-life can easily be replaced by a 19-year-old girl in a sausage outfit. This time, Michael Cox's opinion counts. Also, guys hitting balls great distances, and grown men behaving like the cast of "The Real World."

The Magnificent Six
As MLB winds its way down to the ever so needed All Star break, Dave Paisley tries to bring you some good news about the All Star selections. No, really, it can be done! Still, he manages to get a little rant in here and there, but who can blame him?

Home Improvement

With the balloting over and the votes all tabulated, Michael Cox can now announce this result: what the hell were they thinking? Also, Move over, Joe Morgan, make room for Mr. T.

American Idle

They say August is the "dog days," but Michael Cox finds it pretty poochy as July kicks off. From interleague narcolepsy to uniform uncouth-...er, ...-itude, in several easy-to-read paragraphs.

Boy, Did They Say It

This week Michael Cox takes a break from putting words in people's mouths, and takes a few words out of their mouths. Or whatever orifice said words might happen to be in. Yes, he uses latex gloves.

Paging Dr. Wacky

With Michael Cox incapacitated, his good pal drops by and answers your questions on Roger, Sammy, Dean, Frank, Peter, and the rest of the Rat Pack. Next time we're taking that drink out of his hand.

Put A Frickin' Cork In It

Forget Iraq—the big news is a cracked bat. Michael Cox watches as it portends the fall of Western civilization. Also, Clemens has a reoccurring nightmare about the Yankee bullpen blowing his 300th, and more.

Roger That

Instead of coasting to immortality, the erstwhile Rocket is not so much soaring as plummeting. Michael Cox sows the seeds of glove. Also, return to the valley of those damn dirty machines, and more.

Not At All Stars
Want your league to win home field advantage in the World Series? Dave Paisley shows you how to cunningly plot the downfall of your rival league. Oh, little did Bud Selig realize just what mayhem he has unleashed...

Excuses, Excuses

Hulk no like machine. Make strike zone conform to rule book. Hulk smash machine. Michael Cox explains that Curt Schilling may have considered the Lou Ferrigno stunt double.

Quarter Patrol

Twenty-five percent of the season is now behind us, and Michael Cox is already nostalgic for April. He's also nostalgic for that time the peanut guy threw him a bag of nuts from two sections over then forgot to collect the money.

Unsettling Thoughts

Step right up and see odd sights, strange sounds, and a pitcher who admits he's distracted by shiny baubles. Michael Cox guides you through this side show of silliness.

Streaming Infidelities

Sitting upright long enough to type you this missive, Michael Cox looks at MLB's newest high-tech venture, then coughs twice, blows his nose, and sneezes.

Fans Gone Wild

It's been a week of fan incursions, on-field fisticuffs, fone follies, farm foibles, and silent brooding. Michael Cox has it all covered. Well, except for the brooding.

Break up the... Royals?
Just in case you fans in Missouri were getting any crazy ideas, along comes Jason Michael Barker to crush your dreams of a World Series like Barry Bonds crushing a Jose Lima fastball. We hear he also likes crushed ice, crushed pineapple and Orange Crush.

The Lunatic is in the Hall

War and politics are one thing, but baseball is supposed to be an entirely separate, completely different thing, and Michael Cox doesn't understand how an allegedly smart man has managed to confuse the two. Also, the season officially declared over.

Coffee Is For Closers

With the season but a week old, we've already been beset with plagues of shoulder injuries and blown saves. Michael Cox analyzes same from his locust-proof emergency shelter.

Prospect Report:
Take One For The Team(s)

In his never-ending quest for the ultimate minor-league baseball experience, David Cameron looks for the teams he'd be willing to pay big-league bucks to see. The Brewers are not on this list.

And the Hits Just Keep On Coming...
With just one game played, Dave Paisley thinks it may be premature to call the Royals the AL Central champs, so instead he turns to the headlines, where it seems the word "hit" has many, many uses of late.

Let Yourself Go

It's time. Michael Cox points out that we could all use a dose of baseball right now. It's either that or Xanax. Also: he takes delivery of that new crystal ball. Damaged in shipping? You be the judge.

What If?...
What would the world be like if we all got a pony for Christmas? Well, apart from the excessive amount of pony poop, we'd all be a lot happier. Dave Paisley takes a look at how the baseball world might look if spring training records actually meant anything.. Royals fans please avert your eyes now...

Here Today, Gone Tejada
The A's won't sign Miguel Tejada and the baseball world's all a-flutter. Jason Michael Barker says that not only do the A's not want to re-sign him, they shouldn't re-sign him, either. Shouda, coulda, woulda... what are we missing in all this?

Sex, Booze and Pills

Just when you thought America had stopped paying attention to baseball altogether, Michael Cox finds their imaginations captured by those old lurid standbys. He still doesn't know whether David Wells could consume a narwhal, though.

OffSeason Capsules:
Reader Feedback

He wrote, you wrote, he read and now he responds! Jason Michael Barker has a witty retort or two for those of you who took issue with divisional previews. Mmmm... lemony cream-filled retort...

Hype Of The Week

Considering they don't seem to understand much about it, the media sure find "collusion" a fun word to say. Michael Cox also giggles while repeating the words "Froemming" and "Youppi."

Magic 8-Ball Jeopardy
While the MLBPA wrings its collective hands about possible collusion, Dave Paisley opines that it's no wonder free agent signings are down this year. And then he delves into the mysterious depths of the paranormal to foresee the 2003 season. There may even be sarcasm involved.

Must Be The Money

Spending a rare Wednesday entertaining you in a Baseballhead style, Michael Cox tries to crawl into the head of Jeffrey Loria, then tries really, really hard to get the hell out. If you know a good shrink, please call.

Behind Bud's Eyes

While he may not be up to his usual zany hijinks this week, Michael Cox has a new take on the Lord High Commissioner, and this time he's looking more like a Jerry Lewis character. Only Selig isn't even funny in France.

Expansionist Tendencies
After a quick plea for Cooperstown officials to do the right thing, Dave Paisley goes on to estimate MLB's chances of making significant inroads in Europe. Then check out the chances of a snowball surviving in a very hot place. The answers are remarkably similar.

Hall Pass

It was a busy day in Cooperstown last Tuesday, and Michael Cox had the foresight to do a little wiretapping. I think you'll find his activities are fully protected by the PATRIOT Act.

You Say You Want A Resolution

Promises, promises -- sportswriters are so good at 'em, but how many actually mean them? Michael Cox does, but then again, he's making them for other people. With any luck, you'll never see Mike Piazza converse with Terry Bradshaw again.

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