March, 2005 Archive

Hard-hitting reportage reveals: bees love Darren Oliver’s hair gel

March 25, 2005

TUCSON, AZ — Thursday’s game between the Colorado Rockies and Arizona Diamondbacks was called after five innings when bees swarmed onto the field. Initially the bees swept through center field and converged on the mound, where Rockies pitcher Darren Oliver was standing. After several attempts to evade the bees, Oliver left the game. The bees [...]

Cable ratings for steroid hearings: viewers prefer “As the World Turns”

March 25, 2005

NEW YORK, NY — Nielsen Media Research revealed the cable ratings for stations who carried last week’s steroid hearings on Friday. An average of 624,000 households viewed the proceedings on Fox News, while 526,000 tuned in on CNN and 166,000 turned to ESPN News for live coverage. The ratings showed a decline for the news [...]

AL East Predix: Bronx Vertigo

March 25, 2005

In his first set of 2005 picks ‘n’ pans, Michael Cox covers the eastern seaboard. He sees chaos in New York, order in Boston, and an owner in Baltimore who loves to pay for big-time hitters, but pitching…not so much.

Broadcaster misspeaks, is nominated for Tim McCarver Award

March 23, 2005

ST. LOUIS, MO — Cardinals broadcaster Wayne Hagin apologized Wednesday for a statement he made over the weekend which implied that Todd Helton had done steroids. “I’ve spent the last couple of days thinking about what to do next: I can’t un-say the words or choose better ones now,” Hagin said. “But I can apologize: [...]

Citing fact that DC already has a team, Red Sox to stay put

March 23, 2005

BOSTON, MA — After announcing on Tuesday that the Red Sox will continue to play at Fenway Park for the long-term future, owners John Henry and Tom Werner additionally confirmed Wednesday that the team’s decision comes with no conditions. However, team officials did state that they hope to see the neighborhood improvements pledged by the [...]

Baseballhead: Barry Persecuted

March 23, 2005

When you watched the news yesterday, did you find yourself wondering, “how in the world could the media possibly have made Barry Bonds so bitter?” Well, Michael Cox knows…or rather, knew back in August of 2001, when it wasn’t some BALCO investigation or ex-girlfriend’s tell-all book causing friction — it was just the reporters themselves. Please enjoy this previously published yet prescient piece.

Bonds out for months; vows to just eat worms

March 22, 2005

SCOTTSDALE, AZ — After undergoing another round of surgery on his ailing knee, Barry Bonds said Tuesday that he’s going to rest and recuperate until at least the middle of this season — perhaps until 2006. Bonds returned to Scottsdale on crutches after the operation on his knee last week in San Francisco. “Right now [...]

Preview: Fitty Central

March 22, 2005

Cutting a swath up the middle of our great nation, Ted Bauer takes on the much-improved AL Central, in the process making more bold proclamations than a Congressman. The difference: Ted thought about his.

 

Buehrle out early

March 21, 2005

A bone scan Monday revealed that White Sox LHP Mark Buehrle has a broken bone in his left foot. The injury means a four-to-six-week recovery period, scuttling his planned opening day start. Buehrle’s injury makes Freddy Garcia the Sox’ opening day starter, and opens up an opportunity in the rotation for Brandon McCarthy. “It’s definitely [...]

Bonds’ ex testifies he did all the bad stuff; details only $14.98

March 21, 2005

Breaking a federal secrecy order, unnamed sources have detailed BALCO hearing testimony from Barry Bonds’ ex-girlfriend, in which she stated that Bonds knowingly used performance enhancing drugs. The testimony, in the ongoing conspiracy case against the laboratory, indicates that prosecutors are looking to implicate Bonds in the scandal. Kimberly Bell, who is currently working on [...]

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