Selig to probe Bonds’ steroids, Rose’s bennies, Ruth’s bathtub gin

From the Newsroom

NEW YORK, NY — In a much-anticipated move, commissioner Bud Selig will announce tomorrow that he will probe the allegations of steroid use against Barry Bonds “and others,” an unidentified stoolie said on Wednesday. The unnamed “baseball official,” likely over a dinner at a fine New York restaurant, told the Associated Press that Selig would announce the move today.

Selig had been under pressure from politicians and former commissioner Fay Vincent, whom Selig fired to become boss, to probe Bonds since the book Game of Shadows was announced in February. “I think baseball has to recapture the moral high ground,” said Vincent, apparently unaware of the composition of MLB’s current ownership.

It is unknown whether Selig waited to make the announcement until he had selected a leader for the investigation, or that he wanted to confirm that “probing Bonds” would not involve a latex glove and various Brokeback Mountain jokes.

Published March 30, 2006

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