SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In the wake of two controversial books and an official MLB investigation, the government decided to do their part in the Barry Bonds race to judgment, convening a Grand Jury investigation into possible perjury. Citing sources hidden in the dark recesses of a local parking garage, CNN and the AP said Thursday that the secret probe is looking into reports that Bonds did even more steroids than the books say he told the government he did. No word on how many ex-girlfriends will be paid by their publishers to testify.
The secret source tole the AP, probably on a park bench while looking in different directions and pretending to feed the pigeons, that the grand jury has subpoenaed Bonds’ personal surgeon, Dr. Arthur Ting, whom we mention only because he has a cool name to say out loud.
Reporters asked Bonds, Ting, MLB and the government for comment, but no one was biting. In fact, the word “dork” might have been used by one or more before they hung up. More developments should follow, even if bored sportswriters have to make them up.