SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Barry Bonds in the homer slump of his career, MLB did its best to bring him back in the news, fining the slugger $5000 for wearing wristbands that violate uniform specs. According to MLB’s head disciplinarian, Bob Watson, the size and logo design were at issue, with Bonds apparently trying to bring back the gigantic photo wristband fad of the 80s.
When confronted by the swarm of reporters cataloguing his every utterance, Bonds seemed flummoxed. “My wristbands have already been changed and they’re the exact wristbands I wore in 2004 and 2005…They can’t come after me now if they didn’t come after me in 2004,” he said, seemingly unaware of the time it takes Bud Selig to take his scooter to the notary public.
However, Watson told a different story. “It probably will go to an arbitrator. He’s appealed it before, he’s been fined before,” Watson said. MLB CEO and Selig personal lawyer Bob Du Puy sang yet a different tune, claiming that any appeal would be heard not by a neutral party, but by VP John McHale, informally known to his friends as “the fastest rubber-stamp in the West.”
In-depth coverage of the issue will appear on a very special wristband edition of ESPN’s “Behind The Lines.”