Grimsley, apparently fearing Vincent D’Onofrio, sings like canary

From the Newsroom

PHOENIX, AZ – One day after authorities tracked a shipment of human growth hormone to his house, Diamondbacks pitcher Jason Grimsley was released on Wednesday, the team said as they wiped sweat from their foreheads.

D-Backs GM Josh Byrnes told reporters that Grimsley asked for his unconditional release, adding, “we accepted his request.” The release means Grimsley will continue to receive his salary, yet won’t have to face syringes thrown onto the field by high-school dropouts. Before he left, Grimsley apologized to his teammates. “He expressed to us that he had too much respect for us to allow this to bring us down,” Terry Mulholland told reporters.

However, in an affidavit posted at The Smoking Gun, Grimsley did begin to bring down as many players as he possibly could, implicating several by name as steroid and HGH users, and “latin players” as the primary source of amphetamines in MLB. “Until last year, Major League clubhouses had coffee pots labeled ‘leaded’ and ‘unleaded’ for the players, indicating coffee with amphetamines and without,” the affidavit states, confirming reporters’ suspicions of a backroom dream world with baskets of cocaine lollipops and a row of steroid hookahs.

The beans-spilling was in response to a choice given by federal agents, who gave Grimsley the choice of cooperating or submitting to an immediate search. Of course, once Grimsley fingered his supply chain, the feds searched his home anyway. Agents would not reveal what they found, but we suspect porn and a Party Poker real-money account.

Published June 8, 2006

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