Bonds now dabbling with Zoloft

From the Newsroom

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Barry bonds is happy, reporters dutifully jotted down on Tuesday. This revelation comes in tandem with the news that MLB’s drug probe hasn’t yet gotten around to him, despite the fact that the reporters’ hounding of Bud Selig regarding Bonds is the whole reason the probe exists. “I’m doing good, ain’t I? I’m going to be a positive person no matter what,” Bonds told the throng.

Sen. George Mitchell’s investigation has reportedly included Giants coaches, but not players, possibly because Mitchell believes the coaches are too old to want to take a swing at him. “I’m loving life. I’m just going to roll with it and have fun,” Bonds said.

Bonds, who returned to the lineup on Tuesday after aggravating his knee stealing a base on Friday, would also like to skip the All-Star Game in favor of Giants pitcher Jason Schmidt. “I’m happy. I’m enjoying myself. I wave to the people outside. Cheery,” Bonds gushed.

Bonds finally broke his joyful monologue to wax philosophical over his teammate Moises Alou, whose back problems have periodically kept him out of the lineup. “Me and Mo are just trying to figure out what somebody has with us being on the field at the same time,” Bonds said. “Somebody has a hex on us. We need to figure out what it is and kill it.”

Somewhere, a bead of sweat trickled down Rick Reilly’s forehead.

Published June 28, 2006

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