Baseballhead:
Johnsoned to Death

Michael Cox

Am I the only one who's glad the trading deadline has passed? Besides the Three Stooges-like bumbling by the M's front office, the main humor in the whole thing was that almost none of the trade predictions came true. Still, I predict that somehow Peter Gammons retains his reputation as some sort of trusted insider...

Okay, kids! It's time to play "Who Said It?" Match up the quotes to the Mariner players who said them (answers at the end of the column):

1. "The people in Houston must be wondering, 'What's in all that coffee y'all drink up there?'"

2. "They'd get a bag of balls if they traded me."

3. "I don't understand."

4. "That was a fucking horseshit trade."

a. Alex Rodriguez

b. David Segui

c. Ken Griffey, Jr.

d. Jay Buhner

In fact, the players were likely more agitated than many fans, effectively showing up the media reports of Johnson-as-clubhouse-cancer as the lies they were. The team, aided and abetted by the Seattle media, had painted Johnson as a malcontent who was distracting the team, when in reality he's always been sort of a loner, especially on the day of his starts when he's downright mean.

Seattle GM Woody Woodward took the unprecedented step of meeting with the players on Sunday (not all the players, mind you, just the stars - Woody's ego won't let him stoop to address Rich Amaral or Ken Cloude). Half the same spin job he gave to the public Friday, half a "shut up and do your job" talk, the interesting thing was that afterward some players were feeling the same way they were beforehand.

And I have one question for Woodward himself, who saw fit to let you know that it was him who brought Johnson to Seattle in the first place: If you're so damn good, why haven't you managed a single other trade of that caliber since?

Moving on:

Item: Sammy Sosa heats up in July, pulling up right behind a slumping Mark McGwire in the home run race. Maybe it's just me, but Sosa's the only guy I don't really care to see as the Man Who Beat Maris. The main reason is that this is a massively uncharacteristic year for the normally overpaid Sosa, and I'd rather see the mark broken by someone who's really that good, day in and day out. McGwire is, he's just had this injury problem that's kept him down. Griffey almost gives you the impression that he does that thing he do without even trying. But Sosa? I just don't know. Man, am I ever gonna get letters from Cubs fans...

Item: The Rangers recognize that their pitching rotation is under the arm, and send out for a side of Todd Stottlemyre. The Angels? They pick up what must be their 63rd veteran journeyman catcher of the past five years, Charlie O'Brien. I'd say that the Angel fans are feeling right now what their brethren next door at the Pond have felt for a while: When the chips are down, Disney would rather spend its money on Mulan than on a sports title. While this may be admirable from an altruistic, "we're gonna earn it" perspective, as a modern sports strategy it's extremely frustrating to the fans.

Item: The freshly-issued Cleveland Indians stock is slumping. At one point, it was trading at almost half of its $15 initial purchase price. Earth to Richard Jacobs: If you're gonna issue trading stock but emasculate it of any possible future monetary gain, this is what you can expect. Jacobs likely was expecting that all the shares would be purchased by fans who would frame their certificates and eventually forget that they still had some financial value, but surprise, surprise, a stock listed on NASDAQ is actually being traded, based on its perceived future worth! Geez, go figure!

Item: Barry Bonds snaps after being pegged in the leg by Phils reliever Ricky Bottalico, charging the mound and starting one of those oh-so-exciting benches-emptying scrums. Afterwards, Bonds tells reporters, "It's a part of the game." Boy, is it ever a good thing Barry doesn't play in the AL, where president Gene Budig is trying his best to make such brawls part of a nostalgic past. In reality, the whole incident was pure show: neither Bonds nor Bottalico threw any punches, sorta like those high school fights where it's all clutching and rolling around. Then the players all rush out of the dugouts and bullpens and push each other around like a mosh pit in Canada. You know, I am missing the good old days now, like when Nolan Ryan gave an atomic noogie to Robin Ventura...

Item: Coming back to the subject of Johnson, the Seattle Times has now run not one but two explanations of their fake Randy Johnson "interview," the first a quarter-page by the executive editor defending the piece as "humor" and following the time-honored tactic of blaming reader outrage on other media. The exec, claiming he thought it was "priceless" (thus reenforcing the "Dilbert Principle" that management is dumb out of necessity), failed to utter the word "sorry" at any point, leaving the groveling to the sports editor and a blurb in the next day's letters column. Also missing was an admission that the Times wouldn't know actual humor if it gave them a swirly.

Answers to quiz:
1-d, 2-c, 3-a, 4-b, and Segui wins the 1998 Brutal Frankness Award hands-down, before the season even ends.

Michael Cox is a "tools journalist" with "educated index fingers." You can ask him about his index or other fingers at mc@strikethree.com.