Hollywood Minute

Jason Michael Barker

Where to begin? There's so much news to cover, and so little time.

OK, so aside from some minor free agent signings (Scott Kamieniecki and Doug Henry, yahoo!) and various teams naming various coaches, there hasn't been much going on in the world of Major League Baseball. That of course makes my job (turning out two columns a week, in case you haven't been paying attention) all the more difficult.

In the first real breakthrough in a week or so, as of Sunday evening it appears David Cone has agreed to a one-year deal with the Yankees, pending a physical. I find the "pending a physical" part amusing, because of all the teams out there, you'd think the Yankees would have the best idea of what sort of shape Cone is in, seeing how he pitched for them the past four-and-a-half seasons.

Despite concerns about both his age and his health, Cone has been a very good starting pitcher over the past three years, averaging around 200 innings with an ERA well below league average. Even if he has to take a few extra days off, as he did late last season, he's a very valuable pitcher and certainly improves the Yanks chances of winning the Series again next season.

Financial terms have not been disclosed, although I'd guess he'll make between $10M and $12M next season (he made $9.5M in 1999). Since he was said to be looking for a two-year deal worth $26M and there are no doubt teams willing to offer that (Cleveland?), it's likely Cone took less money to stay in the Bronx, where he probably feels he has the best chance of winning one more ring before retiring. At this point in his career I'd say he's making the right decision.

Another piece of news crossed the wire this weekend, although for the most part people didn't take much notice. I was one of the few who did, because it concerned both my favorite team and my favorite player.

According to the Seattle Times, the Mariners have agreed to a one-year deal with OF Jay Buhner worth $1.2M in base salary with another $1M possible in incentives. This is great news for me, because it means I get to watch Bone for one more season -- as much as I would have hated for him to retire, the thought of him playing for another team didn't really set well either.

It's also good news for the M's, because right now Buhner is the only outfielder guaranteed to be on the roster in the coming months. Brian "The Outmaker" Hunter is arbitration-eligible, although it's difficult to imagine how a player so horrible could ever win a case, and Ken Griffey Jr. could be traded any day now. At least that's what we keep hearing.

In other off-the-field news, it was announced last week that a movie about the life of former Reds owner Marge Schott is in the works. One online poll asking who should play Schott had nearly 40% of people voting for Kathy Bates, although Milton Berle was running a close second with just under 33%. I'd like to see that little dog from the Taco Bell ads play Schottzie, but so far I haven't run across that poll.

Despite all the not-so-nice and downright horrible things she did while running the Reds, Schott really is something of an interesting character, which I suspect is why this movie is being made. Primarily she forced her way into the exclusive club of MLB owners, which was at the time and still is for the most part an old boys' club, with the emphasis in this case on the "boys'", and managed to stick around for quite some time.

Thinking about the Marge Schott movie got me to thinking, however, that so far Hollywood has really missed some great opportunities with baseball. I'm thinking specifically of a few situation comedies...

The first stars Albert Belle and Fernando Viña, who through a bizarre twist of fate wind up as roommates on the Milwaukee Brewers. The plot centers around Albert wanting to do things (boozing, womanizing, chasing little kids with his car) that Fernando disapproves of, and whenever Fernando says his trademark line "Come on, Joey, let's give to charity instead," Albert nails him in the face with a forearm.

The show could be called "Belle's Rules," and would feature guest appearances by Wendy Selig-Prieb, playing the role of "Mom" ("Now, you kids keep in down in there, or I'm going to call Grandpa Bud!").

The second show, "The Goof and the Geek," features Peter Gammons and Bill James, locked in an apartment with nothing to watch but all the Chicago Cubs games on WGN and the Braves on TBS.

Hilarious antics ensue when Gammons tries to convince James that clubhouse leadership matters more than statistics, but when James explains what Runs Created are, Gammons falls to the floor holding his head. "Oh, my aching head! No more numbers!" he shouts (cue laugh track). In the animated version, his head would actually explode.

Tune in next time, when we'll preview the holiday season's controversial new movie, "Trouble in Blue: the Richie Phillips Story."

about the author

Jason Michael Barker was in fact the studio exec behind Waterworld, which explains why he's now writing for us. Blame that Costner bastard for most of it at jmb@strikethree.com.